.Notes from the trenches: the flux.

Teeny Tiny is now the ripe old age of 3.5 weeks and she's fabulous....however, as I mentioned in a previous post - she's ALWAYS eating. We blame it on her need to "catch up", so to speak, in the weight department {at 6 pounds 1 ounce she is in the 2nd percentile for weight for baby girls her age}. That theory was all well and good because it made me think that there would be an end to the hourly feedings once she was at a more "normal" weight.
That was, until Friday.....

Let me start this post by saying "I told you so" to myself. Because seriously when it comes to formula, "I told you so".
You see with all of this pumping and breastfeeding that I pretty much do every single moment of my life {it seems} by last Friday I could see it coming...I was going to hit a wall. I so desperately need{ed} a break, just a moment of having my body to myself where I could soak in a tub and wash away the ever present smell of fenugreek and give my aching hand a rest from the pump and my chest and mind a break from being a food source. I just needed a small moment where my body was mine and had no demands on it other than resting.
So when Cheyenne got home from work I called an emergency "safety zone" {side note: the night that we moved in together 7 years ago we created a "safety zone", a weekly meeting in bed with the lights off where we can vent or talk about anything that bothered us during the week. the "rules" of the safety zone are that we can't be purposely mean, we cant get defensive, and we have to respect what is said whether we agree or not. We do this every single Sunday night no matter what. I swear it's a marriage saver} and I explained how I was feeling and that I was {am} legitimately scared that if I didn't get a break then I would give up on breast feeding altogether {not something either of us wants since "breast is best"}. I cried tears of frustration and said that the only way I could see to get a break and still keep my pumped milk for nighttime feedings {I pump 8 ounces through the day which makes for EXACTLY  down to the last drop what I need for night feedings when I'm too damned tired to breastfeed....plus it means Chey can take over half of the overnight feedings}would be to pick up a can of formula and make one small bottle with it a night so that I could have an hour alone all to myself to recharge, my thinking being that when the can was done Alice would be over this temporary feeding frenzy and onto a more reasonable 3 hour schedule.
Cheyenne reassured me that I wasn't the monster that I thought I was for wanting to give the baby a little supplemental bottle for the sake of keeping my sanity and he went to the store and picked up a can of formula so that starting that night I could have my moment {or 60 of them} of peace.
Sounds good right? Well, I had my doubts. We gave Amelia formula a few times as a baby {when i was on allergy meds for example and in the early weeks when she was having latch issues} and it was ALWAYS a problem for her to digest. Her formula poops were "off" and she would get terrible gas pains and it was just always a nightmare and had confirmed for me that breastmilk really truly is the only thing a baby should drink. So I was apprehensive but told myself that Amelia just had a sensitive gut and Alice would be different. Sometimes I am an idiot.
That night Alice got a 3 ounce bottle of formula that she consumed between 9:00pm-10:30pm. Starting at 11:00pm she threw up every single time she ate, even after we moved back to breast milk. She threw up half to all of her meals at 11:00pm, 1:00am, 1:30am, 2:15am, 3:00am, 3:45am, 4:30am, 5:00am, 6:00am, 6:45am, 7:30am, etc until we took her to the pediatrician {I was panicked} at 10:00am. The poor thing was so so hungry but couldn't keep anything down. Our pediatrician examined her closely and said that she looked very healthy and her weight and electrolytes were good and that given her age it was/is most likely acid reflux and that it was triggered by the formula proteins but not a huge concern as long as she continues to eat.
When the doctor said "some babies just get reflux, all it means for you is that she'll need to be elevated or sitting up for about 15 minutes after eating and you may need to nurse more often to make up for what gets thrown up." well, I tell you, I had to sit on my hands to keep from slapping the doctor in the mouth for suggesting that I feed the child MORE often {good lord how is that even possible}.
We went home and the spitting up slowed way down throughout the day and everything seemed back on track.  That night we gave her a 2 ounce bottle while I took a break {the doc had said it should be fine so long as we keep Alice sitting up after her feeding} but we once again has a repeat of the night before, only this time along with every spit up I choked back tears as I mentally beat myself up for having fed her something that she shouldn't have had just because I needed a bath. It was an ugly night.
I threw the can of formula out the next morning and Alice is now back to 100% breastmilk. She's already so much better, last night she had minimal spitting up and only got up to eat every 3 hours.
So for now I'm stuck in the trenches, tender {physically and emotionally} and exhausted but it'll be "better" soon....right?