Notes for future pregnant women!

Things I have learned from puking:
1. The first vomit of the morning is pure spit (unless you have eaten…if you are lucky enough to not throw up in the morning until after you eat then I hate you). My guess is this is from swallowing your own spit while you sleep. Note to self: keep an eye out for spiders, they say you swallow them in your sleep…eesh.

2. No matter how refreshing a light salad or sushi sound for your upset tummy - do not be fooled! These never ever taste anything less than vile on the way up. Not to mention the fact that they turn a disconcerting shade of black which will then lead to hours of “am I ok, how did I turn lettuce black???”

3. If you are a puker try and do it right after eating. In your new life of vomit you will learn to accept this as “seconds” on your dinner. If you try and put on a strong front you are only doing yourself a disservice. Your baby is much more cunning than you give it credit for and I assure you that you WILL vomit, delaying it only means that you are going to end up with a case of 50% food and 50% stomach acid which will burn like a mother for the rest of the day/night. Don’t be a hero, throw up right away.

4. Don’t guzzle milk to quench that stomach burn, it’s awful on the way up. I have nothing cute or funny to say about this because I'm still pretty bitter about the whole thing.

5. Since you cant have milk I would suggest Tums. They help with the burny burny and have the added bonus of making your vomit a bit frothy, so ya know, it’s festive.

6. It takes 7 good heaves to break capillaries.

Things that smell horrible that you didn’t know about before pregnancy:

1. Heat. That’s right, I have a new super power, and I can smell temperatures. Cold smells delicious and heat is hands down the worst smell on earth. If your husband turns on a griddle to make himself breakfast just go cower in the corner of the bedroom and hide under a blanket.

2. Fast food of any kind. Luckily I can count on one hand the times a year that fast food passes my lips, but if you are unlucky enough to have a McDonalds right across the street from your grocery store God help you.

3. Beer. This once intoxicating elixir will take on a vile stench that can be smelled half a house away. Make your husband hold his thumb he might fuss at first but at the first dry heave he’ll comply.

4. The bread aisle, especially the garlic bread. Have the evil bakers have no heart? Are they trying to upset pregnant women? Are they bitter and jealous because they get up before dawn to bake? I'm not sure, I have my theories though…bastards.