As you may have noticed, my posts have been lacking as of late? Why? Because I've been secretly keeping blog posts from you until the "right time". Without further ado:
12.21.11
According to Clear Blue Easy Digital I'm pregnant! Yay! I've actually been suspecting as much for a couple of weeks now and this test was the 6th or 7th one that I've taken in the last two weeks. Since we were actually hoping to get pregnant I was paying closer attention to my body this time than I did the last and I noticed signs earlier than I may have otherwise. For example, the sore boobs {sorry} and that butterfly feeling in your stomach. I just knew. When I first got the positive test result when I was pregnant with Amelia I very suddenly got this "im pregnant and i know it and can feel it - im not the only one in this body" feeling. It was like i had had this butterfly feeling and couldn't put a name to what it was until I saw that test. I've had the same feeling this time and Im taking it as a good sign.
I'll also say that I'm feeling very very tranquil and at peace right now. I took the test last night and as soon as I saw "pregnant" i gave a little excited jump of joy and then just became very zen. I know that it's still very early and after the loss in October I'm all too aware that things may not work out but even on that front I feel very un-anxious. Whatever happens it'll be okay but for now I feel like I'm going to meet this little girl or boy in August.
I'm liking the idea of August, it feels like a strong month with it's fire sign {leo} that's ruled by the sun and it's birthstone {peridot} that's formed in volcanoes and meteorites - and yet this extreme calmness that I have over me, I wonder if it's all a combined sign of the baby to come? A strong fiery exterior with a calm and cool interior? What's not to love about that?
12.22.11
Hmm. This morning I have the very very very faintest "spotting" though just the word "spotting" seems too much for what's happening - I don't know that I would have even noticed if I weren't looking for it. Im trying to stay in my zen place that I've been in so far because worrying just simply does not do any good and if anything can make things worse on multiple levels. Im so super early that it could be implantation bleeding, it could go away before it ever becomes any sort of anything. It could also be the start of another miscarriage. And that makes me worry - obviously I would be disappointed to lose another baby so soon - but what actually "worries" me is what that would mean. If I had two back to back miscarriages is that a sign of larger problems? What does that say about or mean for my body? Or what if Cheyenne & I have some weirdly genetic incompatibility and nature is "taking care" of something...would that mean that we should be happy with the fact that Amelia is is vital and healthy and stop where we are considering ourselves very fortunate? If that last option were the case it wouldn't be the end of the world. Cheyenne & I have talked many many times about what we would do if we weren't able to have another child and we both agree that Amelia totally fulfills us and is more than we could ever ask for so we would be okay with her being an only child if the natural order of things prevented us from having another child.
So really I guess my dark fear is what would another miscarriage mean, medically speaking, for/about my body? Do I have a more serious problem? I'm vigilant about going to the doctor and nothing has ever pointed to me having an issue but things change.
Like I said, it's at the exact point in my pregnancy that implantation bleeding happens to those that experience it - and really, it's not even as heavy as that. So I need to just take it easy physically and mentally and wait and see. I still hate the wait and see....
This also has me second guessing my plans to tell Cheyenne. Since it's so close to Christmas & his birthday I have planned to tell him via wrapped gift. Last night I bought a tiny pair of newborn sized yellow booties and have them wrapped up with a little note that says "We become a family of four on August 22, 2012". Cute huh? but if im showing signs of miscarriage then it just seems kind of cruel to both of us. Hmm. Well, I have 4 days left until his birthday {when I plan to give him the gift} so we'll see. If nothing happens {this spotting getting heavier or cramping} then I'll hold off on it and just have a talk with him. If things are the same or better than they are now then all systems are go. Again with the waiting game...
12.26.11
Christmas was a success! Not that I thought that it wouldn't be, but it's just so fun sharing the holidays with a little one around! I worked a couple of hours on the morning of Christmas eve but nothing too much then we spent the day wrapping gifts, baking, and watching Christmas movies. On the big day itself we had so much fun with Amelia in the morning as she got to open gifts and play with toys from Santa. Then our 3 guests {my parents} came over and the rest of the day was totally perfect. At one point in the late afternoon my mom and her boyfriend were outside in our backyard getting some air and my mom poked her head in and said that we had a hummingbird in the garage flying around. Poor little thing was lost and we were desperate to help him get back outside safely. Finely after some chasing he flew down to Cheyenne's desk {remember the garage is the Man Cave so it's basically like an office} for a rest a allowed Chey to gently pick him up in his hands and carry him outside then he calmly flew away. Now, I am far from a superstitious person but Cheyenne and I have a connection to hummingbirds. Two years ago when I was in the hospitalized because of very low amniotic fluid when Amelia's due date was still two months away and Cheyenne and I were scared half to death we went to get some air and clear our heads on the balcony of the maternity floor and in the middle of winter on a day that felt like it was freezing at best several floors up in the rain a hummingbird flew up to a pot of flowers RIGHT next to us. And we just knew, we knew that everything would be okay - I don't know why but the whole scene was just too surreal and magical and we stopped worrying in that moment and knew that everything with our baby would be okay. So, yesterdays incident with the hummingbird in our home almost exactly two years later while I am once again pregnant and nervous about my child....well, it just felt right and once again somehow assured me that everything will be perfectly fine. As for the minute spotting that I was having it's already gone and really was so very faint in the first place that even calling it spotting seems to be giving it too much credit. Mostly I feel like im in the first weeks of pregnancy: im tired and run down and have sore boobs and no appetite.
Today is Cheyenne's birthday aka the day that he found out I am pregnant. I filled a gift box with tissue paper then put in a tiny pair of yellow newborn sized booties and a little note of explanation {see previous update} and when he opened it and read the note his eyes welled up with tears and he was beside himself with happiness and excitement. So now we're on to the planning and excitement that comes with expecting a baby! We've decided to wait until late February to tell friends and family {after the nuchal translucency screening} so we've been coming up with different ways of sharing the news at that time, so far the front runner is a "leap year party" on the 29th because it's a good excuse to have everyone over without them suspecting anything, how fun!
12.28.11
To get into the fun of babyness I've been going over my registries. Yes, I have multiple "fake" registries depending on gender and such. I created them sometime around the time Amelia was 6 months old I want to say and change and update them periodically based off of what I learn as Amelia grows. So now that I'm actually pregnant I'm going over the two "main" registries {one for a boy one for a girl} and tweaking them for reality purposes and it's quite fun {making lists might be my very thing in the whole world so you can imagine the delight that I am filled with when it comes to making a registry}. It's so much easier this time around because I know so much more, I know what things we actually need and what things are a total waste for us. It also helps that we have most of the big things from Amelia that can be reused; for example whether we have a girl or a boy we'll be using the same crib & changing table {though either way both items need a coat of paint to freshen them up} and since we didn't find out the gender beforehand with my first pregnancy everything that we bought before she came was/is gender neutral and can be reused which leaves us able to splurge on things that make life easier that we didn't think to get last time.
We also know that the kids will be sharing a room, I've blogged on it before so I wont go into too much detail but in a nutshell we want our children to room together for as long as they like to promote bonding. If we have a boy then we would keep the current nursery as is and just add a toddler bed since it's adorable and totally gender neutral which means that with all of the money that would be saved in creating a new nursery I can go hog wild on buying cute boy clothes. If we have a girl then we would switch rooms making our current bedroom {the larger one} a shared girly girl nursery {for my ideas you can find me on Pinterest.com and look at my "sweet shared girls room" board}, I'll be able to splurge on the room because of the money I will save on clothes and all things girly that can be passed from big sister to little. In either case it's a lot of fun picking things out and picturing what our future family will look like.
On a more "what's going on in my head" note I woke up in the middle of the night and had a mini freak out {which usually happens in the middle of the night when I'm half asleep and not quite in my right mind}. I started to freak out thinking about things that could go wrong that we wouldn't know about until the baby arrived and how that would affect us and I started feeling selfish and mean. What I mean is, I have a perfect child already, Amelia is physically, mentally, and emotionally perfect {in this moms opinion} and I got into this weird mental spin where I kept thinking "why isn't that enough? Am I tempting nature and fate by rolling the dice on such a grand scale? What if something is wrong - how would that affect Amelia? How could I fairly share my time between Amelia and a child with a special need of some kind? Would that make her resent me and wonder why she wasn't enough and why I had to try for another child when I was so happy with her?". In the light of the morning after breakfast and tea and a snuggle I've shaken off the whole thing and I know that it's pointless to worry and stress of theoretical worst case scenario situations that, statistically, wont happen but I tend to have crazy thoughts run through my head at 3:00am. I'm sure it wont be the last time that I'm awake in the middle of the night letting my thoughts get the best of me. It's going to be a long time until August 22nd....
12.29.11
I am so dang tired! Just bone tired exhaustion down to my bones. I was thinking back to when I was pregnant with Amelia and remembered how I used to nap on top of the industrial walk in refrigerator on my lunch break at elephants {thanks to a ladder and storage boxes it was like a cozy little room up there} because I was so tired in my 1st trimester {it went away with the 2nd trimester but then came back in full force in my 3rd and on more than one occasion I fell asleep in coffee shops and other stores that had comfy chairs to rest in}. I'm okay with the tiredness visiting me again {I can nap when Amelia does in the afternoon if need be} but I've got ever finger and toe crossed that the God awful nausea doesn't make a second showing.
1.3.12
Oy vey. All three Clarks have had a stomach virus since Sunday. It started with Amelia then moved to me and then Cheyenne. Not surprisingly, I'm having the hardest time getting over it. I feel better each day but man it's been a total doozy. At first I thought it was the "morning" sickness come to revisit and I was sooo sad that it was looking like I was going to relive that hell of the first trimester that I went through last time. Throwing up ten times a day? Been there, done that, don't care to do it again. I quickly realized that if the whole household was throwing up though that it wasn't just morning sickness. I'm not going to lie, for the first time in history {i would assume} a human has actually been happy {if you can call it that - perhaps "relieved" is a better word} to have a stomach bug.
If things keep getting better then thus far I have escaped the horrendous nausea of last time which makes me think about the personality of this newest little one. Already so different from it's sister. Does that mean it's a boy? Or that it's plotting something more diabolical? Is it going to be a quiet or introverted person {I'm not sure what to do with such a thing}? My running theory is that it's just biding it's time and will make it's presence more known in the next couple of weeks.
1.4.12
Last night I read to Cheyenne the weekly update on Baby {I need a placeholder name} from What to Expect When Expecting just like I used to do each week when I was pregnant with Amelia. It's such a fun little ritual and definitely makes the wait that much more exciting. This week {for those wondering} our baby is the size of a sweet pea and is sprouting eyes, ears, nose, cheeks, and a chin. It's heart is beating and it's blood is starting to circulate. Isn't the human body amazing?
1.9.12
I'm pleased to say that I am still not experiencing the horrible nausea that I had when I was pregnant with Amelia. Quite the opposite in fact, I crave red meat constantly. Let me remind you all that generally speaking I could go for a super rare thick cut steak any time night or day. I love red meat. But lately my craving for it has been out of control. I suspect that this means I'm a bit anemic {I usually am} and my body is just craving iron. That or it's a boy. Or it's a girl and she's trying to make herself look better than her big sister by appeal to my culinary side. Either way things are smooth. I'm still really tired all of the time but that'll go away in a couple of weeks so it's not really much of a bother. I have my first OB visit coming up so of course I'll be filling you in with the details of that soon.
1.13.12
Since this pregnancy has been {thus far} much easier than my first time I had forgotten how gross it can be. Not the "ew, labor, gross. do you really poop on the table?" kind of gross but in the "my body has turned on me and i no longer feel pretty" kind of gross. I woke up this morning about an hour before the alarm went off and i just felt...gross. I was bloated and gassy and sweaty/hot and a little nauseous and it just felt icky. I'm finding that with this pregnancy I am always hungry and thirsty {the former needs to be reigned in so that im not 700 pounds by the time the baby arrives} and im super bloated/gassy {sorry about the TMI} and my internal temperature fluctuates greatly between ice cold and boiling hot without ever making a pit stop at the comfortable area between those polar extremes. Sigh. At least I'm not spending my days sleeping on the cold tile next to the toilet praying for the sweet hand of death to deliver me from the constant vomiting like I was when Amelia was still a parasite. Little victories.
1.16.12
Ugh. Today the freaky sense of smell increase finally kicked in. I suffered from it something miserable with Amelia {remember when I could smell HEAT?} and thus far I hadn't been plagued by it this time. Until this morning. Every single piece of food that i have smelled this morning has made me wretch. I can smell the peanut butter on Amelia's face from the other side of the {very long} family room. Ick.
1.18.12
Can I just tell you how very ready I am for it to be 4 weeks in the future? I am so ready for the craptasticness of the first trimester to be a memory instead of reality and I'm also bursting at the seams to share our news. Today has not been a good day nausea-wise. Im constantly hungry and constantly on the verge of vomiting so it's a catch 22 that is more than a little exhausting/annoying. Apparently this child has taken some notes from big sis {I wonder if Amelia etched down notes while "on the inside" for any future siblings on just how to make Mama miserable?}. We had originally planned to tell everyone on February 29th while getting them all here under the guise of a "leap year party" but quite frankly keeping this a secret is driving me bat shit. On a daily basis there are situations where I just want to blurt out the news. So, we'll see. Cheyenne is going to Hawaii for his best friends wedding {he's the best man} the weekend before Valentines Day and we decided that he can share his news with Dave {the groom and basically Chey's brotha from anotha motha} so that should take some of the edge off until it's the appropriate time to share with a larger audience. So for now I sit here hoping to use my awesome mind powers to make time speed up by 4 weeks...so far im unsuccessful.
1.23.12
Today we decided that we're keeping the current nursery whether this bun in the oven is a boy or girl. I had originally wanted to keep it as is if this baby is a boy because the room is gender neutral and therefore perfect for a little girl and baby boy to share. But I had wanted to do some switching of rooms and redecorating if the baby is a girl so that the sisters would have a super pretty girly girl room. However, thanks to coercion from Cheyenne I've decided that a new room isn't the right thing to do. For one it would be a hassle that I somehow doubt I'll be in the mood for when I'm heavily pregnant and more than that I think it would make things hard on Amelia. She LOVES her room, she loves the Babar murals and talks to them like they are her friends, she's comfortable both physically and emotionally in that room and the more I think about it the more it seems silly to fix what isn't broken. I also think that getting a new room and a new bed and a new sibling all on top of each other is just asking for a total toddler meltdown of epic proportions and I really want to do everything within my power to make becoming a big sister as trauma-free as possible.
We've also decided to get a new crib & changing table. I had gotten our current ones with every intention of reusing them for a subsequent child's nursery but now that Cheyenne & I are set on the kiddos sharing a room the furniture that we currently have is overwhelming when a toddler bed {for Amelia} is thrown into the mix. So what we're going to do is sell/donate/recycle the current crib {late spring/early summer} and move the current changing table upstairs to the family room then replace them with a crib/changing table combo. Normally I find those combo beds fugly but I've found one that is my taste and is very practical for our space & needs. This solves a couple of problems in one swoop: It gives us a lot more space in the nursery so that it isn't cramped and awful. It also allows us to have a 2nd changing table so that we don't have to go into the nursery in the middle of the night 100 times in those first weeks and risk waking up Amelia each time. It also means less going up & down the stairs should I have another c-section which is easier for recovery. We also think that a whole new bed for the baby would be easier on Amelia then having the new baby in what was always her crib - seems like one less thing to be jealous/hurt over. So we updated and retooled our registries {I have two since I don't yet know the gender}. Yay for fun baby related things!
1.24.12
Just a note on what I'm thinking at this point in the game: I'm obviously very excited but it's different than with Amelia. When you're pregnant with your first child there's an excitement that's {for me} rooted in the unknown and newness of how your life is about to change and you don't know what it's going to be like or what to expect. This time my excitement is just as high but comes from the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm excited from the angle of having done this before. I'm so much more confident this time around. I feel like a know what to expect {on big stuff, obviously I know that each child is different and unique}. This isn't to say that since I have 1 child already I feel like I know everything that there is to know about parenting {far from it} but I feel like the first time you go into it totally blind and everything that you know & learn is through trial & error and with this one I feel like I've been here before, it's a bit different but all of the major landmarks are familiar, I can totally navigate this. I like that. While still exciting it's also infinitely more peaceful.
1.30.12
I can't sleep at night. Between having to get up to pee and not being comfortable I lie awake for hours freaking myself out. My biggest fears are at opposite ends of the spectrum but they both turn the blood in my veins cold with terror: the first is that something is "wrong" with the baby, that it's somehow sick or not developing in "normally". At the other end of things that are terrifying is that I have multiples. All I want is a single healthy baby in there. We have our first ultrasound on Thursday {today is Monday} so hopefully my fears will be put to rest {at least somewhat} in just a few days and I can go back to getting some more sleep.
1.31.12
I am bursting BURSTING at the seams to tell everyone that I am pregnant. At this point in the game I'm basically not trusting myself to talk to anyone at all because I have to literally bite on my tongue and cheeks to keep myself from blurting it out. Friends from our prenatal class {with Amelia} just announced that they are expecting a baby on August 7 and it was every last ounce of self control that I possess to keep from replying on her Facebook status that we would once again be pregnant at the exact same time. It's about the time of year that we get together for our prenatal class reunion {seriously, signing up for that 8ish week course was the best thing ever - we made lifelong friends and I am so thankful for them} and there is NO WAY that I can show up and not share the news or talk about it. We have an ultrasound in two days to confirm the due date and check to make sure that I'm have 1 baby and not a litter {as is my fear} and then around the 13th we have a the 1st trimester screening/NT scan, once those results come back fine {knock on all kinds of wood and cross every finger} then we can FINALLY share our news. We have planned all along to tell everyone on the 29th of February at a "leap year celebration" at our house but I feel myself being too weak to wait another month. Must. Stay. Strong.
2.2.12
Happy Groundhog Day {I guess "happy" may not be correct since we're supposed to have 6 more weeks of winter but oh well}. Today was our first ultrasound & appointment with the magnificent Dr. Barrett. The baby looks very very healthy and YAY, THERE IS ONLY ONE IN THERE! Munchkin will arrive via c-section on August 21st unless it pulls a brat move like it's big sister and decided to make the great escape weeks early {I'm not standing for that this time though...baby must stay in!}. We have our first trimester screen with the NT scan & bloodwork on February 16th and once that's complete I'll officially be able to sleep at night again.
I had forgotten how great it is to see the baby in that first ultrasound - it makes it feel at once very very real and magical at the same time. The baby was dancing all around which was cute to Cheyenne & I but Amelia was thoroughly unamused and demanded that we put Curious George on instead. Oy.
2.10.12
Cheyenne is in Kauai for his best friends wedding which means that I'm home with Amelia which normally isn't an issue. However, although I'm almost done with the 1st trimester, I still have a lot of the physical exhaustion that comes along with that and not having him home at night to help with Amelia has really worn me out. I've taken to napping while Amelia naps {something that I stopped doing when she was a tiny baby}.
Also funny this week are my out of nowhere cravings. I've mentioned that this pregnancy is totally different from when I was pregnant with Amelia in that not only do I rarely throw up {I would say maybe once or twice a month} but I'm hungry ALL OF THE TIME. I also get these cravings out of the blue. They're never weird {like pickles & ice cream} but out of nowhere I'll just HAVE to have something super random - if I wait 15 minutes or so it'll usually go away. Today it's lemon. I sooo badly want some Newman's Own lemonade no other brand will do} and maybe some lemon cookies. Last night it was German food. Meat is pretty common {although that's also the case when I'm not pregnant}. The other night it was twinkies {I fought the urge knowing that the craving would go away, glad to say that I won that battle and have not in fact had a twinkie since I was in maybe 3rd grade}.
It certainly is interesting being pregnant again and seeing how it compares to my first pregnancy.
2.16.12
Today we had our 1st trimester screen which includes an NT scan & blood draw to check for the likelihood of down syndrome or trisomy 18, we get the results back in 7-10 days which puts us outside of the timetable for announcing the pregnancy on the 29th. Grr. I'm so done with keeping this secret but at the same time we don't want to share the news before the results - so back to waiting it is. Today also marks the first day of my last week in the first trimester and I'm thrilled to be saying adios to it. It's been much easier this time around but it's not pleasant and im very done with it.
Also super "fun" this week is the addition of an awful sinus infection. Oy.
2.24.12
Well it's be a stressful wait time but the doctors office finally called today to give us the results from our first trimester screening {NT scan ultrasound & blood draw}! Everything with Baby Clark #2 looks perfect. The chances of trisomy 18 are 1 in 10,000 and the chances of down syndrome are 1 in 4,000 which is pretty much perfect. Now that we have this news back we can both {Cheyenne & I} let out that breath that we have been holding and share our happy news! We broke down {and by "we" I of course mean "me"} and told Cheyenne's mom last week {under threat of death if she spilled the beans} and we'll be telling my parents this weekend. Everyone else will get the big news on the 29th {or sooner if I just can't contain myself a moment longer}!
