.Loss.

I'm sorry about my recent absence guys. I/we have been dealing with some sadness this past week, I had a miscarriage over the weekend. Before you freak out here are the quick facts: I was 5 weeks along, it was an "easy" miscarriage meaning that it wasn't ectopic or complicated, yes we knew that I was pregnant, I'm doing just fine physically and these recent events do not indicate that I will have any issue getting pregnant when we are ready to make that step.
Cheyenne & I had decided when I was pregnant with Amelia that we would not be announcing any future pregnancies until I was in the second trimester because of the stress that we immediately felt after sharing our news so early. Because of that I had planned on writing about the first trimester via email and then put those posts on the blog once I got to week 14. Since that wont be happening I'm going to go ahead and put the "posts" here so that you can follow the events as they happened.

10.18.11

Today I found out that I am pregnant. I only took the test on a lark {much like last time} assuming that it would come up negative and that I was just being paranoid. I've been charting and tracking my cycle and had expected to have the proverbial visit from "aunt flo" about a week ago. Instead I got some very very very light spotting and my old friend from my first pregnancy, sore boobs. Too much info? Perhaps. But what I was thinking was "surely I'm not pregnant" but my gut told me to double check. Halloween is just around the corner. My mom came over today and ran errands with Amelia & I, when we stopped at the store to pick up some pumpkins I found a way to distract my mom while I sneaked down the "ladies personal hygiene" aisle for my go to pregnant test {Clear Blue Easy digital}. I was so not expecting to be expecting that after my mom dropped the baby {who has suddenly become not "the baby" but "the toddler"} and I off I nonchalantly peed on the stick then made Amelia a pumpkin butter and raisin sandwich {she's in a non-eating phase still so i sneak in the vitamins where I can get them}. I went back to check on the test and there it was "pregnant". I rubbed my eyes then looked again for the word "not" in front of that word. Nope. Still "pregnant". I crumpled. I sat on the edge of the tub totally unable to breath as it hit me. I knew/know that it's next to impossible to get a false positive, false negatives yes, but not a false positive. But still....it had to be wrong....right? So I took the second test in the box. Pregnant. Hmm. okay, I thought, so this is happening. And then everything hit. How? I mean I know "how" but ya know, how? I chart methodically. I didnt drink greyhounds at any party! We had talked months and months and months ago about starting to try for baby #2 in the fall, I had at the time really hoped to get pregnant in September because I thought that a June baby would be perfect. But as we got closer to September Cheyenne and I got cold feet, it felt too soon. There were so many things that we wanted in place first like more time as a family of three, more time for Amelia to be an only child. More time to save money. We weren't totally sure that we wanted to stay in this house. but not yet ready to move. We had reasons and reasons to wait just a little while longer. We thought that instead of June being perfect for having a baby that it would be perfect for creating a baby. A spring baby, that would be fun we thought, someone for me to share a birthday with.
But now? Now things are shaken up a bit. Baby #2 decided on it's own that summer 2012 is more fun than spring 2013. Of course. Both of my children have decided to enter the world on their own schedules instead of mine. I hate that. I love that. I'm scared. I'll admit it, it was the first feeling that ran through me. Through my veins, cold and shaky. Oh my God what will Cheyenne think? We wanted another child we had plans for one and he loves me and our family and he's wonderful, of course he'll be excited. But...i'm still scared, this wasn't the plan. And when things don't go according to even a basic plan that you have set up it creates some stress and chaos.
Just as I did last time I told Amanda first. I had to. I hadn't planned on it. In fact, she was the first person that I told when I was pregnant with Amelia and I always kind of felt bad about that, like I had somehow taken something away from my partner. But I can't tell him. Not yet. I'm too scared and nervous about what this all means and I feel like at least one of us needs to be level headed when the time comes. But I had to tell SOMEONE. I was/am going crazy with the news buzzing in my head. I want to tell every single person on earth and at the same time I dont want to tell a soul. My brain is like a game of ping pong right now.
Tomorrow Im going to carve one of the pumpkins that I bought today. Im going to carve "Big Sis" on one side and "June 2012" on the other and that will be "Amelia's pumpkin" and we can show it to Cheyenne tomorrow. It's hard to be too freaked out when you're told in such a cute way. Right? Maybe. We'll see.
I keep thinking about all of the things that need to be done before June but none of the stuff that needs to be done right away. Already my attitude is different with this pregnancy. Last time {my first} I called the doctor immediately and set up an appointment for the very next day whereas this time I was thinking of waiting until my 8th-ish week {I'm only 4 weeks 2 days as of right now}. This is early. 251 days from now is my due date. That sounds so long, but i know. I KNOW that it isn't. I know how fast that time really goes. Am I ready? Ready to go back to sleepless nights {my god how I love sleep}? Ready for breastfeeding again? Ready to chase a toddler around while I do it all again? I don't know. But the deed is done and it's going to be okay. In 251 days im going to look on my 2nd born's face and wonder "where have you been? We've been waiting for you."

10.19.11 {Before telling Cheyenne}

It's 4:48pm. Cheyenne will be home in about 45 minutes give or take depending on traffic. Today is the day that I get to share my news with him. I have things pretty much in order though it's been "one of those" days. This morning Amelia was playing with a silver change bank that she got as a gift when she was born, it's shaped like a baby block and she loves to play with it. Normally when I let her play in her room I hide that bank because it's just begging to hurt her somehow - all heavy and sharp. But of course today I got distracted and totally forgot about it. She brought it out to me and as she went to hand it off and I went to reach for it it fell. Corner into big toe right where nail and toe meet. Had that drop happened on my own foot I can assure you that it would have resulted in me crying - that's how much it looked like it hurt. Amelia immediately wailed that horrific scream that she reserves only for real pain. It was so terrible. Luckily she was moving it just fine so I knew that it wasnt broken but it was bleeding and i have the feeling that there is a chance the nail will fall off. At the very least under and around the missing skin {yikes} it's bruised. So of course she's been less then pleasant today. I in no way shape or form can blame her, I know it must hurt like the devil. I gave her some baby Tylenol to help ease the pain a little and cleaned it up but she's been walking around all day saying "owie" and pointing to her foot. Thankfully in the last hour she's been back to her old self. I let her watch a movie and take a bubble bath and read Amelia Bedelia 6 times through without stopping so she's in good spirits walking around like she owns the place and the cat, dog, & I are her loyal subjects aka the usual.

After she woke up from her nap {which was short because her toe hurt} she was still grumpy and sad so i thought to myself "i should carve that pumpkin now so that she can help and it'll put her in a better mood". WRONG. She didnt care for the cleaning out of the pumpkin {which is surprising} and then the noise of the Dremel on the pumpkin scared the ever living sh*t out of her {I like the glowy pumpkin effect so I use the Dremel to shave off the layers instead of carving all the way through}. Anyway, what should have taken about 30 minutes ended up taking 2 and a half hours and when I was done there was pumpkin sprayed everywhere. This is where that bath of hers comes in. After I scrubbed the pumpkin off of everything and washed the baby and read Amelia Bedelia I have to admit im ready for a nap.

However, even if that was a possibility {the kid says it isn't} I am 100% sure that there is no way I could fall asleep. My belly is a knot of nerves and butterflies. I have this voice in the back of my head trying to convince me that I should/could put off telling Cheyenne and delay the terror that will flood over him. But of course I can't/shouldn't/won't. Sigh. I've been trying to occupy my brain all day with the little things so that I dont go over the big ones again and again. For example I looked up the due date, June 25th, then went figured out what was around that date that would make it a cool birthday {since my firstborn was a c-section there's a higher chance that this one will be as well which gives me a little bit of wiggle room birthdate wise}. The summer solstice is the 20th of June in 2012, how great would that be for a birthday?! So I got a bit jazzed over that fact. Then I got to thinking about names. If it's a boy then the name has already been picked years ago and is set in stone so no need to think about that there. But a girl? Well, I have a list a mile long of names I like for girls. Thinking back to the birthday aspect I immediately thought of a middle name that I love that ties in, having that in my mind I went through my list and was able to weed out over half because of flow with the middle name that I like. Then I started thinking about other first names that would go well with the middle name, the season, and Amelia's name and I got kind of overwhelmed. That's something that we didn't experience with my first pregnancy because we had picked a boy and girl name long before I was pregnant {coincidentally we didnt go with the one we had picked}. So hmm, that'll be fun perhaps. Perhaps.

Now it's a waiting game and im full of nervous energy and trying to predict Cheyenne's reaction and hoping hoping hoping that he'll be elated and thinking that he will be and I'm hoping that we can calm each others nerves {just like last time}.

10.20.11

I told Cheyenne last night. Well, actually a pumpkin did the hard part for me. I carved the pumpkin then set it on a chair in line with the front door so that it would be the first thing he saw, i lit the candles in it and turned off the lights so that it would be all aglow then took the dog and baby into the nursery to make sure that they wouldnt knock it over and to give him a second to realize what it meant before being bombarded with the overly excited females that rule this house. I had put a handwritten sign on the front door that said "Mimi made a pumpkin all on her own - open the door to see..." so that it would make sense that the pumpkin said "Big Sis" on the front side.
I heard him come home and waited a second or two before I went out to the living room, he had tears in his eyes and swooped me up in a giant hug. I had been so nervous and told him so and he spent the whole night telling me that I was being silly. Yes, we had planned on waiting until this summer to start trying but what's a 9 month difference in the grand scheme of things and it's a baby and that's a happy joyous thing it's only fair to that child to be happy and grateful. All of which is true. I love him. I love my family. And already I love this baby to be. 

10.20.11

Today things feel slightly more real. At least Cheyenne knows which helps. It feels about 50% real and 50% like a dream that I'll wake up from. But it is real so it was time to start talking about some logistics. For quite some time now I've been certain that I want my children to share a room for as long as they can/want to. I just think it's better for little ones to be together - we are pack animals after all. So, that being said we needed to figure out what to do with the kids. We decided that if June Bug {the placeholder name for the baby} is a boy then the current nursery is perfect for the two kids to share. Since we chose not to find out the gender in our first pregnancy the current nursery is gender neutral and really beautiful with the custom Babar the Elephant murals and primary colors - that is the perfect decor for a 2 year old girl and baby boy to share. The room however is the smaller one so during the day I moved Amelia's furniture around into different configurations to see if we could keep all of it in there and add a toddler bed to the mix, it was actually surprisingly easy. Problem solved. Now, if June Bug is a girl I have to admit that I want to have a really girly girl nursery if it's to be the home of sisters. So in that case Cheyenne & I would move into what is now Amelia's room and have the nursery in our {larger} room then use a pallet of pale yellow, pale pink, and pale green.

Speaking of June Bug's gender, we already have a boys name picked out - we picked it out right around the time Amelia was born and fell in love, it's a set in stone done deal. It combines two family names and we love it. A girl name however, not so much. I created a word doc a couple of years ago where I add girl names that I like as I hear them. At this point it's pretty long. Very soon after getting that positive test result the perfect middle name hit me. Love. So i went through the list and matched each name with the middle name that i love and was able to weed out a ton of names. Then last night Cheyenne & I had some fun going through the names that were left along with a few new ones from baby name websites and came up with a list of 9 names that we both like. I have my favorite on the list and Chey has his favorite but honestly I love all 9 and would be equally happy with any of them/ It's also very very early on and we're likely to change whatever we "decide" on now. At the very least the list gives us an idea of the kind of name we're going after.

And speaking of gender even further, we're pretty sure that we're finding out this time. Not that we want to. Having not found out last time I can't even explain to you how wonderful that choice was. There is no way to tell you how wonderful it is to hear the doctor announce the gender after all of those months of built up anticipation and guessing. However, this time we have Amelia to think about. We want to do every single thing possible to make the transition from only child to big sister as easy as possible and we both think that knowledge is power on that front. If we can make the baby seem more real and talk about it beforehand with as much realism as possible we think that will help lessen the shock a little and get her excited. Cheyenne and I are a little sad that we wont be able to relive that magic of not knowing but on the plus side I've already designed a kick a** gender reveal party.

10.21.11

Im a knot of nerves this morning. I have had very light spotting since before I took my test that after reading up on I figured was "implantation bleeding" and should stop any day and didn't pay much mind. This morning however I noticed that the bleeding, while still light, was heavier than it has been. Not so heavy that sheer panic set in and im not cramping or showing any signs of something major being wrong. I've spent the morning reading through my pregnancy books and blogs and it seems that I should have no cause for real concern - that it could be a couple of pretty normal and common things. I have a list of things to keep my eye out for and if i start seeing signs from that list then im going straight to the doctor. Of course saying "relax, take it easy and dont stress" is much easier said than done. I hate the first trimester. I hated it last time as well, and no, not just because of the horrendous nausea {which thankfully seems to not be arriving this time} but because it feels like this horrible waiting game. I hate having to wait until week 12 for the NT scan, I hate waiting until week 14 until you dont feel like you have huge chances of miscarriage, i hate the pressure that comes with knowing all of the major things are developing in this trimester and that feeling of life being for damn fragile and delicate and all the while you can't share your news because.....because.
I want there to be a crystal ball that allows me to see the day of the birth and assure me that everything is just fine - I think that would be the only way for me to have an actually stress-free pregnancy. However, that's not possible so for now it's the waiting game - this time with a handy list of awful things to be looking out for. Great.

10.23.11

I'm still bleeding some and it's freaking me out. Everything I read says that cramping is a sure sign of a miscarriage and I'm not at all cramping so I'm holding out hope but if I'm honest with myself I'll admit that I think it's over. I don't "feel pregnant" anymore, my boobs don't hurt, my stomach isn't upset, I just...I dunno, I don't feel pregnant. We had our baby class reunion with the folks from our prenatal classes and our toddlers today. It was great to see everyone and how big the kids have gotten. When someone asked if any of the couples were thinking about trying again i stole a look at Cheyenne who had a look of sadness cross his face before he could hide it from me then he gave me that smile that says "everything will be okay". It took all of my will power not to blurt out that I'm maybe pregnant maybe having a miscarriage. I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed and sleep and sleep until things were settled one way or the other. In my heart I'm already saying goodbye...

10.24.11

It started on Saturday. I had been "spotting" since before I took my first pregnancy tests - in fact, it was the fact that it was only spotting and not a "normal" flow that caused me to take the test in the first place. I had read up on the spotting and figured that it was just routine "implantation bleeding". Saturday morning however instead of the super light spotting i had bright red heavier than spotting blood. Everything stopped. I just knew. I knew it wasnt right. Cheyenne and I looked it up and everything said that unless there was cramping {which there wasnt} that things are okay. Knowing that this early in the pregnancy there is nothing to do but let nature take it's course we just laid low for the weekend hoping that rest would work and waiting to rush to the hospital if i started having sharp cramping {a sign of ectopic pregnancy} or anything else on a short list of serious symptoms. Sunday morning the bleeding was still not better, in fact it was worse. I took 2 more tests {now uping my total to 4} and both came back positive but the bleeding and clots were like a heavy period at this point and all of the pregnancy symptoms were gone {sore boobs, upset tummy, etc}.
I'm going in for bloodwork and checkup in a couple of days and there's a chance that im in the minority of women that has a lot of bleeding in the first trimester and goes on to have a normal pregnancy, but I don't think so. I just know that Ive lost the baby. We cried Saturday night and last night - a lot. Today I'm a bit "better" I suppose. I know that it was early and that although it's sad this experience has shown that as I suspected any "fertility issues" that I may have once had were greatly exaggerated by my ex-gyno and that we can in fact easily conceive a baby when we want. It's also shown to both Cheyenne and I that we were more ready to have a second child then we had thought. Now that the possibility of a June baby is gone we're heartbroken. If the blood work comes back confirming this we've talked about starting to try for a second child sooner than the old plan of summer 2012 - but we'll see, we dont want to make sure a huge decision based solely on the grief that we're feeling from the loss of this one. It'll take a little time to heal both physically and emotionally but we'll get that little brother or sister for Amelia in the near future. 

10.26.11

It's over. Monday was horrible, The pregnancy is definitely no more and Cheyenne was at work {he offered to stay home but I insisted that he go in} and the announcement pumpkin started to rot. Having to throw the rotting pumpkin that announced the impeding birth of our child into the compost bin was very hard on me. My hormones are going ape sh** and the idea of that pumpkin going bad and being tossed away seemed too close to home. I sat down on the ground next to the compost bin and sobbed and sobbed. I spent the rest of the day on the couch wrapped around Amelia who seemed to love the extra attention for a little while then in her own independent way she fought her way out of my arms and spent the day trying to cheer me up. She's magnificent.

Days have passed and my bleeding has slowed way way down which is a good thing. I've told parents and a couple of friends and accepted it. It's sad but I know that it could have been much worse. I'm in a much better emotional state now and am looking towards the future and healing. Everything will be okay.



So there you have it. It was a hard week with lots of ups and downs but things have evened out and getting better. As always I am an open book, if you have any questions or comments you can always leave them here or if you want more privacy you can email me and I'll respond ASAP. Much love.